Remember our recent post of the Daily Mail’s tube-map for generating head-lines and news “stories”? We have a different kind of map for you, the common thread being… well… stupidity.
We stole this from Crispian Jago, who runs Science, Reason and Critical Thinking. Bet you never associated those words with the Daily Moaner. Crispian, who sounds like a seriously brainy bloke who we would normally avoid, describes himself as the unofficial jester to the Court of Skepticism. And having little better to do, he has compiled a Periodic Table — of Irrational Nonsense. Click on the thumbnail below to get the big version .
Remember the one they shoved down your throat at school — the one that maps all the elements which make up everything in the known Universe, including your Auntie Vera? Well, this is nothing like that.
This is basically a map of the country of Stupidia. You may not have been there, but you will have heard of it. Its inhabitants are woefully ignorant, (which is no shame at all, as you can’t know something until you’ve found it out ). But they are also proud of their ignorance. Indeed, they glory in it, bathe in it, wallow in it.
It’s where Republicans live, and a lot more Americans as well. But the UK has its own people who have emigrated there. David Eycke for one. And people who name their kids Waitrose and Asbo . And maybe your Auntie Vera. See how everything ties up?
A lot of the “elements” on this table we had never heard of. What exactly is “Angel Therapy ?” No, don’t tell us… we’ll only get more confused.
And we thought Shiatsu was a dog !
Hard upon the heels of the news that Ed Balls will be appearing on “How to Look Good Naked “, we hear that Ann Widdecombe will be put through her paces on “Strictly Come Dancing “. This could almost be described as unreality TV, and the song “Stately as a Galleon ” begins playing in one’s head.
But maybe this is the way things will be going, given the cuts the coalition will surely demand of programme makers. This will be the new formula — find a popular show format, fill it with ageing has-been celebrities who will charge pea-nuts to keep their faces on the box, and — bingo! Cheaper and cheaper progs. Already, Jonathan Woss has cleared his desk at the Beeb, where he weally wan the highest wanking show on Wadio Two. Some possibilities come to mind…
- How about Mandelson and Reinaldo, on “Mr and Mr “?
- Gunther von Hagen to perform Autopsy and plastination of next talentless celeb to die of an overdose, on CSI Basildon .
- Blue Peter presenters to make their own celeb from toilet rolls and sticky-back tape.
- Piers Morgan stars in An Audience with… no taste .
- Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas to be contestants on The Generation Game .
Further suggestions welcome…
In what can only be described as a badly-needed public service, The Poke website has come up with an underground map of the Daily Mail’s priorities. Scroll down for the map and click to get the whole thing. They also have a poster — sizes and prices not available at the moment.
Early Daily Mail Steam-Powered Headline Generator
It is now easy to see how so-called “stories” are originated. For years the Mail has been posing as a newspaper, despite rumours that many of its headlines were formulaic, and generated by a steam-powered machine in the basement. Now we know why.
On the map below, it is plain how Mail “journalists” have generated tittle-tattle for us to read. However, we have no idea who Malcolm Gladwell is, and we’re not going to look. It is also rather puzzling that the red Media Scum line has no station for P. Dacre, but perhaps he lives out of town.
Now, Daily Moaner staff are furiously concocting the story-to-end-them-all, containing elements from every station, from “Sick Filth ” in the far North to “George Galloway ” in the South. This herculean task will take time, but will repay our efforts if, at the end, the Daily Mail implodes through jealousy.
Readers (if we have any) are urged to send in their contributions, possibly explaining why to get from Roast Beef to Etonian Playboys, it is necessary to change at Paris Hilton.
Entire Map, Medium Large
