The Daily Moaner

So… what did we learn this week, children?  No, don’t all call out at once.

Yes Susan?  Speak up dear… yes, we learned that we knew when 9/11 happened that Iraq had nothing  to do with it.  That nice Mrs Manningham-Buller told us, yes.   And the Labour people knew too — very good Susan. Yes, they told all sorts of wicked  lies, and still  started a war.   Yes James, they should be made to sit on the naughty step for ages and ages. A red tick and a silver star for you.

What else?   Nigel — you had your hand up.  That’s right… that nice Mr Clegg told all the other people that the Iraq war was very, very wrong and against the law. So if he said it, it must  be true.  George — could you stop doing that please?  It’s not very nice, is it?  I don’t care if it does  taste nice, please stop it.

Anyone else?  Yes — Nabi… yes, our soldiers were using depleted uranium bullets.  And yes it was  very naughty. And what does depleted uranium do?  That’s right… it kills people.  Horribly and painfully, Nabi?  Well perhaps, but we don’t need to dwell on it, do we dear?   And Simon — please stop making those death-rattle noises.  George!  Don’t wipe it off in Sandra’s hair!

Patrick?  Well, that’s right, the wind has blown the uranium dust all over the world.  Including here in Shepherds Bush.  And who told us that?  The American lady, Mrs McKinney.  No, of course we’ll  be all right here.  The government have promised…

Heather, did you have something to add?  Well, yes, the Iraqi government is  going to sue us for millions and millions. 

No Cassandra, your pocket money will be quite  safe in the pig.  Just don’t let Mr Cameron snatch it away.  Jimmy and Simon — stop fighting now or stand with your faces to the wall!  I mean it.

Right, hands up who knows what Doctor Fox said?  Nigel?  Susan?  Yes — Jean…  no money to buy guns and bombs and exploding stuff, that’s right.  So what do we do if some nasty men come and invade us?  We wave our swords at them, right.  And frighten them right  away…

Edward, get your hand out of Natalie’s burkha.  Right out.   Now!

What else did we learn this week?  Yes Simon?  That policemen can beat up anyone they don’t like the look of, very good Simon.    You want to beat up Jimmy, ‘cos he pulled your hair? And you want to be a policeman when you grow up?

Oh dear…

I don’t believe you ever will  grow up.

Looked a bit like Stalin

Anyone here seen Gordon Wossisname?  You know — Thingey — Gordon Thingey.  You must remember him.  Thick hair, one eye, dropping jaw?  Looked a bit like Stalin?

Anyway, he’s gone AWOL.  Done a bunk.  Didn’t turn up for the State Opening of Parliament… hasn’t shown his face in the Chamber to debate the Queen’s Speech.  No bugger’s seen him since May 12th when he bored the bollocks off some people at the Adam Smith Memorial College of Public Sector Studies.

Although presumably Brown — that was the name ! — is still being paid to represent his constituents, and maybe claiming expenses too.  Who knows? Why aren’t the Express  and the Mail  on the case?

Westminster has seldom been agogger, with many speculating that the wounded beast may have crawled off into a wood somewhere with an old Service revolver, to do the decent thing.

Others claim that, just before the bailiffs slung him out of Number Ten, he signed an order which spitefully cut the PM’s remuneration from £194,000 to a new low of £150,000, and now doesn’t have the bottle to face Cameron, who might just take a horse-whip to him.

More rumours abound that Brown sees himself  in charge of the IMF when the post comes up for grabs in two years time.  That would be a superb opportunity to do even more damage, this time on a global scale.

But a more prosaic explanation may be nearer the truth, though it does come via Kevin Maguire at the Mirror , a long-time Brown apologist.  He reports the ex-PM is bashing away at his keyboard, writing thousands of words a day (while he is being paid by you and me).  Although Kev doesn’t seem to know if Gordon is working on memoirs, anonymous hate-mail, or just a very long-winded suicide note.  Apparently, Gordon is “fizzing with ideas again .”

God help us all.

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A LOOK AT THE LABOUR POWER STRUGGLE

THIS WEEK — BALLS!

Chinese burns and wedgies

Ed Balls is so-o-o sorry.  For years and years he was lead astray by that bully Brown, forced to agree with all the Brown policies, given Chinese burns and wedgies, and kicked from pillar to post like Dobby the House Elf.  But all the time, he didn’t really agree with those policies.  No, really  he didn’t.

And now that Blinky is fighting for the Labour leadership, he has a chance to right a few wrongs.  Though he can’t quite bring himself to put it like that.  And it’s got nowt to do with Brown being a political leper, and having to ring a handbell and shout “Unclean! Unclean !”. Nothing to do with that at all.

Kid smells Balls

But anyway, he can now tell us (in the Guardian, here)  that all the time he believed we should not let in so many immigrants from eastern Europe. Even though he opened the door for them and shook hands as they all passed through.  No… he  has seen the light, the error of his ways.  Henceforth, he is a changéd man. As long as he’s elected leader, of course.

Though he has been mangled by the hands of the Guardian’s commenters, never ones to suffer fools gladly.  “… just a little bit further to the right than Ghenghis Khan .” writes one, “Wanting another chance to show you all that I won’t listen to anyone .”

Another (Bunnyflumplekins by name )  says simply “I think he’s a git .”  Yet another says Ed is “Unfit to clean the toilets “.  Elsewhere, Balls is described as a  ”pseudo-nationalistic pap-spouting twit “.  Seems fair enough.  Though to be fair, we should point out that one or two gits seemed to support him.

Crashed Into His Own Stumps

Oh dear, oh dear… no breathless hush in the close tonight. The first man’s OUT. David Laws, First Sec to the Tresh, gone already and only 18 days since the match began, and now he is walking back to the pavilion.

And it does seem that he crashed into his own stumps. He forgot the first rule of going into public life. Which is that, if there is anything  the slightest bit dodgy which a newspaper could shout to the hills, one should beat them to it and go public first.  Because that’s what newspapers do — ruin people’s lives in the search for a headline.

Much is being made of the fact that he (a) is a millionaire; and (b) didn’t need the £40,000 claimed; and (c) only wanted to keep his sexuality private.  Fair enough as far as that goes, but the Daily Moaner’s experience of millionaires (gosh, we know such a lot) is that (d)  they just LOVE money, and can never have enough of the stuff.

Is that cynical?  Yes, probably.  But the odds are on our side.

Maybe You're Not Dissolute Enough

And the bad news is — once again you were overlooked in the latest Honours List, the so-called Dissolution Honours, where our erstwhile one-eyed leader gets to reward various cronies, clingers-on, sycophants, etc.  And it is purely YOUR fault.  You had your chance and you blew it.  You weren’t dissolute enough . All that boozing and gambling and promiscuity, and it still  didn’t get you into the Lords.

Are you now or have you ever been a TV presenter called Floella?  No?  Tough luck.  She’s been Damed.

You Need to Try Harder

Have you spent years being a boring old git in a suit and tie, chairing a quango of some sort which is now facing the chop from Cameron’s axe?  Have a Lordship.

Are you an opinionated inarticulate  political thug called Prescott?  No?   Stay where you are until you throw a six.

You’re just going to have to try harder.  You can do it. You can be as dissolute as the rest of us.  Try Guiness and tomato juice — it’s truly disgusting but it’ll get you into the gutter quicker than any other drink.

Oh — and better luck next time.