The Daily Moaner

LabourList  (we read it for the totty) has filed a story so disgusting that we can hardly bring ourselves to tell you.  Although, of course, we will.

Ed Strips Off

It seems that, in the prevailing spirit of do-anything- to-get-on-TV, a certain Edward Balls has agreed to appear on a BBC show called “How to Look Good Naked”.  No, straight up, we swear it’s true.  You can read about it here.

Finished bringing it all up now? Just keep your head between your knees and breath deeply.  Yes, it is  an offensive image. And yes it will  take time to fade.

The Balls campaign believes this is a leadership-election winner, though putting Yvette up might be a better idea.  But don’t worry — there is no actual nakidity nakidtude nakedness involved, as the programme promises naked people in its title, but doesn’t deliver.  So — perfect for New Labour, then.  No change there.

Host Gok Wan, who has become famous by having an unusual name plus a really stupid hair-do, will be asking him questions about his choice of clothes. Ed will be blinking a lot and doging the questions.  No change there, either.

Con-Lib plans for Eric Pickles to appear on the show have been shelved for the moment.

Mandelson

You will already be aware that slime moulds have a function in the scheme of things. Wikipedia (which is never wrong) says that they feed on micro-organisms who live within dead wood.  (I think we have a picture somewhere to show you). 

These micro-thingies eat the wood, and when they are finished, the slime moulds come along and gorge themselves on the micro-wotsits, who are too fat to run away.  (Stop us if we’re being too technical.) 

Probably something eats the slime mould, too, but our research department fell asleep. 

The point being, even the lowly slime mould has some sort of important function in clearing up the debris.

Slime Mould

So it is with Peter (we refuse to say Lord) Mandelson.  It is hard to imagine any pair of human beings giving birth to this grey-faced lying bastard ex-spin-doctor, ex Cabinet Minister, ex-Brussels bureaucrat, ex-this-that-and-the-other.  No, he is definitely more aligned to the slime mould.  But does he have any sort of real function?  The Daily Moaner argues that he does.

The micro-organisms in this analogy are the usual suspects — Brown, Blair, Campbell, Whelan, the Miliband gang, Balls, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. They have been feeding on the dead wood of the old Labour Party for thirteen years. Most of them have gorged their taste for money until they, too,  are too fat to run, Blair in particular being weighed down by his bags of gold.

And now Mandelson — in his book The Third Slime-Mould  — is gorging his  taste for treachery on them. He tells us astounding things — things we would never have believed if they had not issued from such fastidious and lizard-like lips. Blair was an ineffective and money mad leader, Brown was a grumpy tyrant, everyone else was a tosspot, and Mandy, wonderful Mandy,  was the ring-master keeping the circus going.

That’s it. The whole plot, in one paragraph. No of course  we haven’t read it.  But you can smell shit from quite a distance… and we advise you to follow our lead.  Or wait a week until it’s remaindered at a penny a throw — cheap fuel for the Aga.

One worrying thing though… we had  thought we were safe from Mandelson reproducing, one of his other tastes being for younger men.  But Wikipedia (I think we mentioned it was never  wrong) claims that slime moulds reproduce by producing spores.

Minds of the nation… start boggling NOW.