So… what did we learn this week, children? No, don’t all call out at once.
Yes Susan? Speak up dear… yes, we learned that we knew when 9/11 happened that Iraq had nothing to do with it. That nice Mrs Manningham-Buller told us, yes. And the Labour people knew too — very good Susan. Yes, they told all sorts of wicked lies, and still started a war. Yes James, they should be made to sit on the naughty step for ages and ages. A red tick and a silver star for you.
What else? Nigel — you had your hand up. That’s right… that nice Mr Clegg told all the other people that the Iraq war was very, very wrong and against the law. So if he said it, it must be true. George — could you stop doing that please? It’s not very nice, is it? I don’t care if it does taste nice, please stop it.
Anyone else? Yes — Nabi… yes, our soldiers were using depleted uranium bullets. And yes it was very naughty. And what does depleted uranium do? That’s right… it kills people. Horribly and painfully, Nabi? Well perhaps, but we don’t need to dwell on it, do we dear? And Simon — please stop making those death-rattle noises. George! Don’t wipe it off in Sandra’s hair!
Patrick? Well, that’s right, the wind has blown the uranium dust all over the world. Including here in Shepherds Bush. And who told us that? The American lady, Mrs McKinney. No, of course we’ll be all right here. The government have promised…
Heather, did you have something to add? Well, yes, the Iraqi government is going to sue us for millions and millions.
No Cassandra, your pocket money will be quite safe in the pig. Just don’t let Mr Cameron snatch it away. Jimmy and Simon — stop fighting now or stand with your faces to the wall! I mean it.
Right, hands up who knows what Doctor Fox said? Nigel? Susan? Yes — Jean… no money to buy guns and bombs and exploding stuff, that’s right. So what do we do if some nasty men come and invade us? We wave our swords at them, right. And frighten them right away…
Edward, get your hand out of Natalie’s burkha. Right out. Now!
What else did we learn this week? Yes Simon? That policemen can beat up anyone they don’t like the look of, very good Simon. You want to beat up Jimmy, ‘cos he pulled your hair? And you want to be a policeman when you grow up?
Oh dear…
I don’t believe you ever will grow up.