About those debates… You know… the ones between Brown, Cameron and Cleggie, to be held before the election. (May 6th — trust us ).
It turns out they won’t be debates at all, not proper ones. There will just be three not-even-realistic robots, taking turns to spout pre-rehearsed political talking points at a TV camera. For there is a list of rules a leg-and-a-half long. Seventy-six of them, just like the trombones, which is French for paper-clips.
Throw a Shoe Today
The leaders get a minute to respond to a question. A minute. That’s sixty seconds. Can anyone imagine Gordon answering a question in less than seven hundred words? He takes longer than that to say good morning. And the minute includes storming-off time.
The audience will be effectively blindfolded and gagged, being forbidden to cheer, heckle and applaud, even. Spitting, hissing, booing, cat-calling and whistling are likewise verboten . You’re not even allowed to shoot them, for God’s sake, which is surely the test of any civilised nation.
However, the Daily Moaner has found a loop-hole. As far as we can discover, there is no prohibition against throwing shoes. And what better way of expressing solidarity with our Muslim brothers than to adopt their methods of showing disapproval. Thankyou, Muntadhar al-Zeidi (pictured ), for showing us the way.
The idea is, of course, a steal from the American way of doing things, what with their gift for spontaneity and all. We all know how sucessfully that’s worked out of late. Bush 41, Clinton, Bush 43, Obama…
What we need over this side of the pond is Paxo, worrying at them with his teeth embedded in their hairy legs. We want John Humphries shouting at them, calling them liars. We want our comedians making faces at them. We want the Telegraph exposing their little frauds, and the Sun plastering their adulteries over the front page. Most of all, we want members of the public throwing buckets of green custard over them.
Because that’s what they deserve. They’re politicians, for God’s sake. The lowest of the low, scum of the earth. They seek to rule us, because they know better.
Dig out your old Reboks NOW.