The Daily Moaner’s fiscal problems, reported on below, here, are within sight of a solution, following the editorial team dreaming up a super-wheeze, which is going to make millionaires of us all.
You may remember (those four three of you who read this blog), that your editor is a non-practicing smoker, having not actually lit up for four years now. Nevertheless, he has no hesitation at all in slagging off people like ASH, the anti-smoking group of miserable bastards. They are urging the government to increase the tax on tobacco products by 5%, which is nice of them, don’t you think, to make life harder for the rest of us. Other wankers who know better than you do and are only doing it for your own good, want to ban smoking in the home completely.
You may think that we would be campaigning against this, but no! Instead, the Moaner — together with its sister blogs, the Whinger , the Whiner and the Bleater — will be lobbying the government to ban smoking completely !
Shocked gasp! we hear you say, but hear us out. It is an axiom that nothing is really popular until it is made illegal. Crime pays. Think of how the brothels flourished under the Puritans. Think of Prohibition in the States.
At the Smoke-Easy
Once the legislation is passed, Moaner Industries will immediately open a chain of smoke-easies , secretly situated in disused warehouses, basements and lock-up garages. Forget your filter-tips… forget your roll-ups and the Woodbines. Here, we will employ scores of glamorous hostesses to encourage furtive smokers to buy them those wild and wicked Capstan Full-Strengths. And we will clean up big time !
Top-name bands will play while teams of scantily-clad dancing girls perform Busby Berkeley numbers through the rising smoke, simultaneously waving their cigarette-holders in a graceful yet tasteful manner. And you can watch from your own specially reserved table, or from the bar where Sam, your ever-friendly bar-tender, will be quick to take your money order.
SMOKE EASIES… They’re where the action is!
Don’t forget — they’re illegal ! But that’s why you’re doing it, right? Just don’t tip off the Feds.
Oh — and say Joe sent you.
Like the cut of your gib, Moaner.
You can strike out the strike over the number four on your readers.
Comment by Dick Puddlecote — March 8, 2010 @ 12:02 am
There’s still millions to be made room in the smoke-easy boom for others — get in on the ground floor, while you can still see through the smoke.
And many thanks for the kind comments. Enjoyed your rant.
Comment by lenko — March 8, 2010 @ 11:17 am