By Our Royal Correspondant, Grizelda Atkins:
Buckingham Palace was abuzz today with rumours of a New Labour plot to place Cherie Blair on the throne.
Queen in Waiting?
Within the last week, newspapers have run stories that suggested she was to be given a seat in the Lords. But the Daily Moaner can reveal that a planned coup would see Gordon and Sarah Brown exiled to Zealand, with Tony Blair being re-installed as PM, while Cherie would be elevated to head-of-state.
An ashen-faced palace official told me “It’s everyone’s worst nightmare. Except for the one where blood-crazed piranha are nibbling at your testicles, obviously. Oh — and Charles being King.”
Face Like a Smacked Arse
The official added that using the armed services to put down the uprising was out of the question, as they had all been sent abroad to some war, or something, he wasn’t sure.
Other plans are being laid by coup leaders for the members of the Chilcott enquiry to be executed in public. Sales of gibbets, guillotines and tumbrils shot up on the news.
Your correspondant understands that comprehensive death-lists are being drawn up, with names like Clare Short and Peter Watt being close to the top.
Exactly who is behind the coup is unclear at the moment. But a Labour party insider did throw out a hint that the leader of the plot was a well-known organiser of outrageous events who preferred to work behind the scenes in promoting no-talent celebrities, and ”had a face like a smacked arse “. We can think only of one person.