Peter Mandelson
Election fever continues to take a hold here, with Labour unveiling new plans to introduce better weather for taxpayers. Lord Mandelson, Minister for Everything, said that under new proposals, families would be entitled to prolonged sunny spells and less rain.
The Prime Minister Gordon Brown promised that under a Labour administration, there would be more rainbows, fresh flocks of bluebirds, and that every day would be the first day of Spring.
But a Conservative spokesman hit back, saying the PM’s proposals were “too little, too late”, and that they would amount to a rise in Income tax of 4.7%. And Tory leader, the boy Cameron, asserted that an incoming Conservative government would identify weather inefficiencies which would lead to massive cost savings for the same amount of sunshine.
Asked for comment, a Lib-Dem official announced a plan to steer the British Isles nearer to the equator.
We’ll be bringing you more promises tomorrow in your fabulous Daily Moaner!
Loathesome Diseased Bastard
ARE YOU a rich, money-grubbing, power-hungry Australian-American bastard, with a huge chain of TV stations and newspapers, and an extremely small penis?
Why not use your flagship paper The Sun to con British readers into voting for the party which will do YOUR business empire the most good?
Although it’s common for newspapers to take a political position, only Murdoch properties are hypocritical enough to keep a straight face as they tell readers how to vote. Murdoch took over $25 million in 2007. So of course he’s on the side of the common man.
Kangaroo
The Daily Moaner says — tell Murdoch (and all the little Murdochs) to f*ck off back to their billion-dollar shack in the outback. We hope this poisonous clan will soon wither away, leaving only a small greasy stain.
And we will continue to resist the current hostile take-over bid the mad mogul has made. The Daily Moaner cannot be bought!
Except, obviously, for extremely large amounts of money. $25 million should just about do it.
The madness continues to rise within our American cousins.
Placard of Madness
Thousands of people, largely those with lower-than-zero IQ levels, have been out on the streets, chanting that President Obama is a Nazi, that he’s a communist, a socialist, a Marxist, a fascist… Armed men have loitered on the fringes of crowds where he is speaking… A poll, posted on Facebook, asks Americans to vote on the questions “Should Obama be killed?”
Oh, and did we mention that Obama is also a Kenyan and a Muslim in his spare time?
And tomorrow, we will learn that he bites the heads off a couple of kids for breakfast.
Much of this fever has been whipped up by right-wing zealots with the aid of Republican politicians like Trent Franks (R-Idiot), who recently described the President as “an enemy of humanity”. And behind much of this is “Fox News”. And behind “Fox News”? None other than our old friend Rupert Murdoch, who cares nothing for the country and everything for his profits.
The Daily Moaner senses the level of insanity rising every day, and fears that armed insurrection could occur. It has happened before in other countries. America is not immune.
We mourn the passing of a once-great country.
Your editor is agog at the talent of Jacek Yerka!
Jacek Yerka Mind Fields Cover
If you’ve not crossed into Yerka’s surreal world before, click the link below. But be fully prepared to have your sense of perception subtly altered…
http:www.yerkaland.com
Oh — it’s a bloody good book, too.
Daily Moaner Bus
Daily Moaner executives were last night in closed session to discuss Rupert Murdoch’s latest bid for control of the overnight sensation news-gathering organisation.
The Chairman was tight-lipped on details of the bid, which is rumoured to be close to ten pounds fifty in value.
We’ll be bringing you more… after we’ve had a coffee and some doughnuts.
Kennels
Give up? The answer is… seventeen Chihuahua’s and one Pomeranian.
This is the new spec-built $325,000 house which rich girl Paris Hilton has built for her dogs.
The mini-mansion comes complete with a crystal chandelier, a staircase to the upper floor, several beds for the pooches, and a small closet containing doggy clothes. (Possibly diamond collars and gold lame jackets.)
Oh — and air-conditioning. Yeah… with no toilet in the building, they’re gonna need that.
Banksy Beggar
Please spare a thought and some small change for American businessman John McAfee, inventor of anti-virus software, who is feeling the pinch in these cruel times.
His personal net worth has reportedly nose-dived from a high of one hundred million dollars to a paltry four million. He has been forced to part with his ten passenger Cessna jet, and is now faced with selling his one remaining investment property,
Likewise, McAfee’s annual income has plummetted, and he is now trying to scrape by on half a million. And like all Americans, he has out-of-pocket expenses that we just don’t have over here.
Like health insurance. And ammunition.
Here at the Daily Moaner, our hearts go out to him. Whatever that means. This poor, poor man. How is he going to manage? We ask all our readers — please! — dig into your wallets, your socks under the mattress, your numbered Swiss bank accounts, and donate NOW to this worthy cause.
Thankyou.
More Banksy can be seen at: http://www.banksy.co.uk/
Snake Skeleton
Frightened of snakes? Your editor too. But just look at the workmanship. Isn’t that beautiful?
There’s more to see at http://www.phenomenica.com/2009/05/snake-skeletons.html
Red Squirrel Facing Extinction:
Salford MP and house-flipper Hazel Blears
is in the wars again! Already this year she has
Hazel Blears MP
been forced to resign her Cabinet post,
following allegations she’d had her snout
in more than one trough. Then she survived a vote of no-confidence by her local Labour Association. After that, she faces a local “Hazel Must Go” campaign.
And Sunday, out canvassing victims constituents, she returned to her car to find that vandals had smashed the windscreen and slashed all four tyres.
Only the Daily Moaner noticed that Ms Blears, already a rotting political corpse, had parked her car in Cemetery Road.
Red Squirrel Facing Extinction:
A Red Squirrel
The Daily Moaner is joining a campaign lead by Prince Charles, who has called for the red squirrel to become a national symbol.
The British resident is under attack from the squirrelpox virus, which is spread by grey squirrels, originally an American import.
The Prince has warned that the red squirrel could be extinct within ten years. We agree whole-heartedly with him. Chuck these immigrant Americans out — NOW!
Yanks Go Home!
The sensitive bottoms of modern Americans are in for a tougher time, if environmentalists get their way. They are trying to persuade the U.S. to abandon the plush, ultra-soft variety of toilet tissues, which together with facial tissues accounts for 5% of older trees cut down. They are pushing for increased usage of recycled paper, and the logging of newer forests, which are more sustainable.
Interviewed in Virginia yesterday, Mr Zebadiah
Hick (IQ 62) told the Daily Moaner: “Aw shucks! No fair, man! Ever’body knows good ol’ Murcan asses are more delicate than those pinko Commie bastards over in Europeland. Doggone it, that’s downright un-Murcan.” He then disappeared into his outhouse with a copy of the New York Times.
But an older resident, Mr Cyril Norcott (106) reminisced about the toilet paper of his youth. “That thar thin stuff was vicious, young fella.” he told our reporter. “ Scratchy warn’t the word fer it. Like wipin’ y’ ass on barbed wire an’ razor blades. I wudn’t visit th’ outhouse fer days, ‘cos Ah knew Ah’d come out bleedin’.”
We’ll keep you updated as this story breaks.