Your editor, though brave and dashing, has a secret achilles heel. He is not the strongest of swimmers, having learned to swim at the advanced age of fifty-two, overcoming a lifetime fear of the water. Neither parent (Mr and Mrs Lenko) were swimmers. I wish they had given me the lessons that this mother gives to her off-spring.
May 29, 2010
February 18, 2010
Pussies Galore
Regular readers will know that the Daily Moaner is not a fan of cutesy little kittens who can’t spell on the internet, as we said here. Although we did show readers how to wrap a cat for Christmas, but that was just so it could be posted abroad somewhere — anywhere — with no return address.
But now there is good news for all internet cat-haters — an Italian TV chef has recommended eating these over-cute fuzzy fur-balls. Hooray for Beppe Bigazzi, who is 77 and too old to give a damn what people think. Beppe told viewers that cat was “Better than chicken, rabbit or pigeon “, and that cat casserole was a favourite dish in his home region. Mmmmm — yummy!
The whole of Italy immediately exploded in incandescent rage, with people waving their hands about as they talked, arguing whether the cats should be soaked in spring-water for three days, as Beppe advocated, and how much garlic was needed to ward off the evil spirits.
Meanwhile, for those of you who can never quite get enough pussy… Back in 1931, Harry Roy and his Bat Club Boys were recording a cheerful little ditty called “My Girl’s Pussy”, which you can hear by visiting the Internet Archive here, and clicking on “Stream”.
To the right, a picture of the girl in question, plus the pussy in question.
Any questions?
February 4, 2010
We Want One of Those!
Stroke One Today
Sometimes a cute little cuddly kitten just isn’t enough. A person needs something stronger. Something more… unusual. Something completely different. Here at the Daily Moaner, we believe we’ve found the pet of our dreams.
Available from Amazon by clicking here, and only $30.88. Can we afford to be without one?
We think we’ll call it Cecil.
February 3, 2010
Just One More to Go
Today is the anniversary of Mankind first domesticating a wild animal — the sheep. (Actually it’s next week, but we couldn’t wait!) The poor beast was tamed 10,000 years ago next Tuesday, and the first knitted cardigan was produced two weeks after.
The goat and pig were caught and tamed shortly after that, the cow about 8,000 years back, the horse 6,000 and the camel roughly 4,500 years ago.
All This Time, and Still Not Tamed!
Somewhere in this timespan, our enterprising species made slaves of donkeys and chickens, and even maybe-kinda-sorta tamed the cat, which is two parts cute and three parts feral. Dogs, of course, have been in a partnership with Mankind since 150,000 B.C. or thereabouts. All these animals can now be relied on to do our bidding.
Just the one wild animal to go, then…
January 30, 2010
What’s That on Your Skin?
Remember we told you about these little creatures? The demodicids? Well, they weren’t the worst things that live on you… oh no. They were just on your eyelashes. These other beasties — they’re all over ! In bed with us! Urrrggghh! Will we ever be able to sleep again?
January 26, 2010
Credulous? This Way please…
Irony struck in Irkutsk while local people were celebrating Epiphany last weekend. Over a hundred of them were hospitalised after drinking holy water which had gone bad.
The holy water in question was scooped up in buckets from a local lake, which was stagnant. Presumably lots of tadpoles and plankton and green wriggly things were also scooped up. Maybe the priest blessed them, thus converting them to holy status.
Bible Class?
Later, the water will be bottled for consumption, though the Daily Moaner believes it more likely that the water will cause consumption. But Russians don’t care — they consider any water obtained on Epiphany is holy. And anyway, the tap-water over there is undrinkable.
Is there any limit to the unbelievably stupid things which humans will believe? Even chimps don’t seem to be this credulous. Though they do grieve for the dead, as shown here…
So who’s smarter? Them — or us?
January 12, 2010
Which Chimp Would Be King?
Gordo Frodo is the alpha male… He may be dominant…but he’s not popular, and usually finds himself alone. There are others with their eyes on the position. “Frodo’s pretty volatile these days — apt to explode at the slightest provocation “.
This sort of rings a bell. Where have we seen all this before?
January 7, 2010
Post a Cat Today
Yes we know the Daily Moaner said here that the net was full to over-flowing with bloody cats, and that the world could maybe lose… we don’t know… a million or so of them and not notice… but this one is funny. And instructive. And funny. And late for Christmas but there’s always next year. And did we mention it was funny ?
So please — wrap next door’s cat up in pretty paper, stick the correct postage on it, and post it… let’s say… to Thailand. They eat cats there, right?
December 17, 2009
December 13, 2009
Enough With the Cats Already!
Forced to read other peoples’ rubbish this last two weeks, rather than write our own more creative rubbish, the Daily Moaner has had it up to here with bloody cats ! The internet is overflowing with these creatures. Whole sites are devoted to furry frisky felines and their frolics, and the havoc they can wreak with a ball of wool, and other mischief.
All these cats are cute . This seems to be a law of nature. There are cute cats sliding through letter-boxes, cute cats being ironed on a frosty morning, cute cats climbing the outside walls to enter the house through the upper story.
Catburgers
More cute cats are caught trying to skate on a frozen pond, or kittens “laughing” as they hide in cardboard boxes. There are cats falling asleep in strange positions, cats running full-tilt into windows, cats dancing, cats sparring, and cats chasing their own tails.
Especially loathsome are even cuter cats dressed in doll’s clothes, or riding bikes. Cats cuddling up to obviously drugged dogs who should by rights be ripping their throats out. One can only hope that all these cats, a split second after the photo was taken, scratched their owner’s eyes out.
Your editor, by the way, is not a very nice man. Not a very nice man at all .