There are roughly ten thousand doorways by which to exit this life, and the New Puritans are intent on closing them all. Already they have slammed shut the smoking door to eternity. Now the next assault is on drinking, with a multiplicity of surveys and pronouncements from various scientific and medical researchers with an axe to grind. (Or bastards, as they are known to most of us.)
For the most part, these are inadequates who went into the research/medicine/whatever having already adopted their point of view, and have taken very great care that their results just happen to justify it. The statistical base of many of these surveys has been shown to be false, or at least skewed. And there is a great deal of “spin” in the way they are presented and reported on in the media.
The Press laps up these surveys because they come free, ready-made and can be used to frighten their readers. Headlines such as “Does Red Wine Kill?” and “Death On The Roads!” and best of all “Ban This Disgusting Sex Trade NOW!” , all help to sell papers. And to keep editors and proprietors in the style to which they have become accustomed – lots of red wine and fast cars and faster women, on their yachts moored just off Greece.
The giveaway to all these surveys are certain words and phrases which crop up time and again. One of them is “suggests “. Yeah, yeah, the survey doesn’t actually SAY that it’s bad for you. But it does suggest it. What does that mean? Nothing.
Another suspect word to watch out for is “could “, or sometimes “might “. Such-and-such could do you harm. So-and-so might be harmful. Or — on the other hand — it could not and it might not .
Likelihood is another favourite beloved of survey interpreters. There is an increased likelihood of something happening. Or not happening. “Obese people are more likely to develop the disease.” But likely does not mean “sure to, certain. “ It’s just more bull-shittiness.
Other bull-shit words to look out for is “possibly ” or even “probably “. They slip these in so quickly that you don’t notice as they fly by. You end up thinking “My God! It’s certain!” But it isn’t certain at all.
Another thing to look for is the statistical population — how many people took part in this survey? Over a thousand it might possibly be meaningful. (See? We can use these words too.). Over ten thousand it’s more likely to be meaningful but it’s still only a sterile statistic.
If they don’t tell you how many, it’s probably eleven people they asked in the office. Forget it. It’s newspaper bollocks.
Research undertaken by the Daily Moaner – a non-profit making research organisation — suggests that a life-style of inserting one’s nose into other people’s personal enjoyment can lead to an increased likelihood of early death, possibly by being strung up by an angry mob.
In a survey of 11,000 ordinary people, it was found that 22 percent of participants wanted long-noses to be quarantined on an island somewhere in mid-Pacific.
Sounds good to us.
