The Daily Moaner

Great surprise this week at the Pentagon, where an audit has revealed that 8.7 billion dollars — that’s 8.7 billion dollars — cannot be accounted for.

This amount was the largest part (96% of 9.1 billion) of funds entrusted to them, in order to rebuild… er… what was the name of that place they bombed to hell?  Oh yeah, Iraq.   Reconstruction funds to replace all the buildings, roads, hospitals, and people destroyed in that orgy of Shock and Awe we all enjoyed so much on CNN, in the war that was all about regime-change freedom democracy oil.

Pentagon officials were today looking blankly at each other, saying “Well, you had it last, I’m sure you did.  Have you looked in your pockets?”  Others were searching through desk drawers, in case the missing billions had slipped to the back.

“It’s just — gone.” said Orlando J. Flack Jnr.  “Gee, wonder where it went?  It was right here, just the other week.  Never mind, I’m sure it’ll turn up.”

Another military lackey told us; “We didn’t know we wuz s’posed t’ keep th’ receipts, so we binned ‘em.”  He denied the Pentagon was red-faced about it, claiming that was not posssible, as they had no shame.

The auditors blamed the deficit on improper accounting practices, mismanagement, reckless spending and lack of oversight.  The departments concerned were told to pay the money into a bank account, but it kinda slipped their minds.  Although he added — and we’re not making this up — there was “no apparent evidence of fraud .”

The Pentagon was also ticked off for hanging on to £34 million of Iraqi money, which it had been ordered to return by December 2007.  “We just thought we would keep it.” said an official.

However, US taxpayers need not fear the loss of their money, as the missing funds were part of Iraqi oil proceeds, which the US Defense Department had kindly volunteered to look after for them.

Iraqis are already hopping up and down about another, separate 8.8 billion dollars — again, in oil revenue — which the Americans have spent but failed to account for.  “Can’t remember whut we did with it.”  We seem to remember that they loaded the money — in cash — and sent it off by plane.  But surely nobody would have stolen it?

A senior adminstration official told the press that the President was fully briefed on the situation, and would take immediate steps to do nothing about it.

First in a series of weekly round-ups of the best — but more likely the worst —  of our American cousins.

Buy our Asbestosis… American lobbyists spray out the dollars to sell one of the planet’s deadliest materials to third world countries.

Georgie W will soon be a Saint… Over here, the Labour party are to the Left.  Over there, Republicans are on the right.  So why do they sound so similar? Just try substituting Gordon for Bush in Paul Krugman’s analysis.

B.P. Run by Photoshopped Demons from Outer Space…  As you know, B.P. is the fount of all true evil, and nothing it has ever done has ever been right, and its executives sit on the naughty step for all time.  And they bugger about with photo’s too.

Vote For Cowboy Boots!  Republican idiot says voters should vote for him because “I do not wear high heels.  I wear cowboy boots. They have real bullshit on them .”  Female rival Republican idiot is outraged.

Mosque Bad… Strip-club Good… More fake outrage at Ground Zero, New York.

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American Stupid, At It's Finest

 Meanwhile, a million miles from the World Cup and Wimbledon…

The voices in American heads continue to inspire fear and hatred of all things “un-American “, and any tiny imagined threat to “the American way of life “, (i.e. big fuel-guzzling cars, invading countries, swaggering, boasting, and generally being a pain in the arse to the rest of the planet.)

Recently we had Rand Paul, who hopes to be a Senator for Kentucky, announcing on his web-site that he planned “an underground electric fence ” at the US-Mexican border, with helicopter stations to respond quickly to any breaches of the border.

Gotta keep them pesky Spanish-speaking Mexicans out. They’ll dig their way to the fence and then sizzle.  Or the underground helicopters’ll get ‘em.

Then there’s Alyssa Thomas.  This home-bred terrorist is on the no-fly list maintained by the department of Homeland Security. One wrong move and she’ll be banged up in Gitmo. Which seems a bit rough for a six-year old, but Homeland Security know what they’re doing. Don’t they?  Anyway, they admit she’s on the list, and say she’s going to stay  on it too. Alyssa admits one of her favourite things is “jumping on my bed”.  Definitely a terrorist.

Now we have Texas (yes, it would be ) Representative, Louie Gohmert.  Apart from having a comical deep south accent and a shiny bald head, Louie is barking mad, and would very much like everyone else to be, too. Here he is on the subject of “terrorist babies”.  (Please note — these babies are free!  Yes, folks, FREE!) 

Hey kids — what are you buying your old man for Father’s Day this year?  I know, I know… it’s a tough choice. 

A Man's Gotta Kill What a Man's Goota Kill

Last year you bought him the shotgun … the year before it was — er — let me see, it was the latest thing in assault rifles , right?

Okay –  here’s the very thing.  Right here.  Tell ‘em we sent you. (We get a commission.) A real ‘Murcan red-blooded man can never have enough grenades.

And how about some new ammo? They stock all makes, all calibres.  Just the thing to cheer him outta that black depression he’s been in lately.

One visit to the stores, and you can make it a day your whole family  will remember, for the rest of their lives.

Say, till tomorrow.

What is this strange obsession Americans have with their bottoms?

Their written and spoken culture is filled with references to their posteriors, or as they call them — asses , being unable to spell the word “arse ” correctly. There is hardly a US citizen who feels able to get through the day without drawing everyone’s attention to his ass in some way.

Bad-assed Americans

They all just lurve  the Prez, who promises to “kick ass. “  Maybe this is because “his ass is on the line “. And whereas other nations might walk down the road, or even march there, Americans like to “move their ass ” or  ”haul ass ” or “get their ass down the road“.  It seems that only their asses are required, as that is where the brains are kept.

Asses play a large part in the American way of sex.  They are fond of referring to callipygian “big-ass ” women.  Curiously, this does not apply if the aforesaid women really do  have big arses.  Alternatively, the woman may be referred to as “a nice piece of ass”, implying a certain amount of confusion on the part of American men, or possibly repressed gayness.

Macho males, on the other hand, like to be referred to as “bad-assed”.  The tougher they are, the badder-assed they are, having really, really  bad asses.  This is not to say they have haemorrhoids, or fart a lot. (Though this may be the case).  No, it is because they are rootin’ tootin’ real tough hombres, as only a real ‘Murcan can be, which makes their asses so bad.

Americans also like to “bet their sweet asses “, sometimes losing the bet with Ladbrokes and having to go without an ass for the rest of their lives.  This misfortune occurred to VP Cheney, betting that WMD would be found in Iraq.   Having lost his ass, and with no outlet orifice, this is why this disgusting creature is so full of shit.

The reason for all this coarseness of speech is, of course, that only real red-blooded ‘Murcans use language like that.  It is the frontiersman spirit in them, even those who have never been within a million miles of a frontier. It is part of their search for their true identity, which they would like very much to be Superman.

But which they secretly fear is Wile E. Coyote.

I (need to) know whose ass to kick…  (Hayward) would have been fired if he worked for me…  (Barack Obama’s mouth going off, half-cocked). 

Relaxing After a Hard Day Kicking Asses

President Obama,(who we thought was cool) has now assured David Cameron that he has no intention of endangering the mythological special relationship which is rumoured to exist between this country and the upstart colonial usurpers.  (Not that we want their country back, you understand.  Not unless they clean up the mess they have made).

Well, Barack, we have news for you.  Too late, my friend, too late.

Following your cheap and bombastic posturing, worthy of Georgie W. at his worst, and no matter what Cameron may have told you, the people of this country have withdrawn their goodwill.

This “special relationship” was always in the mind, anyway.  From the American point of view, it was a master-servant thing.  Britain was their yes-man, their side-kick, Gabby Hayes to their Hopalong Cassidy.  We could always be relied upon to back them up in whatever piece of madness they felt obliged to inflict on the world.

On this side of the pond, we have always seen ourselves as the USA’s responsible adult , a restraining influence on a nation of petulant and over-aggressive bully-boys, who delude themselves with talk of “nation-building ” and “bringing democracy to the world “, when their only real motive is profit.

Obviously, that relationship mostly ended with the folie-a-deux  which existed between Blair and Bush, more insanity that cost thousands of lives. Like the current crisis in the Gulf, the Iraq madness was all about oil too.

The chain that bound us together is mostly gone.  Obama is now snapping the remaining links in the chain.  And he is cool no longer.

Just tepid.