Nigel: What do you wanna do tonight?
Derek: I dunno… wadda YOU wanna do?
Nigel: I know — let’s do the local store.
Derek: How we gonna do that?
Nigel: Well… you go on look-out, and I’ll throw this brick through the window.
Derek: Okay — nothing could go wrong with that, could it?
March 3, 2010
Look Out! Oh — Too Late
January 21, 2010
Drink, drink, drink!
Former useless wanker postman Alan Johnson, our hapless Home Secretary, has been babbling pompously to the Beeb about a “raft” of new measures, which will be approved by the spineless puppets of Parliament (if they know what’s good for them!) later this year.
We Have a Winner!
Among the sooper-dooper new rules is one to ban drinking contests, which up till now we all had the freedom to decide for ourselves. This is a feeble attempt to “tackle Britain’s boozy culture”. Every hour of every day, young people are engaging in speed-drinking bouts, during which they averagely consume a week’s alcohol in seven minutes, after which they fornicate with each other for three hours non-stop. Ah to be young again!
Liam Donaldson, our soon-to-step-down Chief Medic, reckons it would cut crime by 45,000 crimes a year, and reduce annual hospital admissions by 100,000. (Figures courtesy of the Dept of Made-up Statistics .)
Another knee-jerk reaction to Daily Mail-type stories. Another headline for Mr Johnson. Another “crack-down” which will be impossible to police, and which would have no effect if it could be policed.
Drink Makes Your Eyes Go Funny
These drinking contests provide a valuable service to society — they occasionally remove a spare idiot or two from the gene pool. These people should be encouraged to break the world record for the highest number of Bacardi’s drunk inside an hour. We should be cheering them on as they down their twenty-seventh pint. They are natural winners of the yearly Darwin Awards.
What is the government worried about? We’re unlikely to run out of idiots. Especially Mr Johnson.
November 7, 2009
We’re Sorry, We’re Really Sorry…
… for recommending the Kaossilator in our last post. We don’t know what came over us. And to make amends — and to show we at the Daily Moaner understand the problems all parents face — here’s the Mom Song, sung by Jude Johnston, complete with all the words so you can sing along. But of course, you know them already. Every parent does…
Now YOU Can Be Even More Annoying
Are you a teenage male who mistakenly believes he has musical talent, and irritates the hell out of everyone around him? Do you drum at dinner with your knives and forks? Are you a wizz on air guitar? Then this is for you…
Korg Kaossilator
Isn’t it lovely? The new Korg Kaossilator is a portable, battery-driven thingey which comes with 100 music programmes, 31 scale patterns and an unbelievable 50 gate arpeggiators, whatever they are. It’s got a loop facility that will let you play the same five-second sound pattern over and over and over until your parents leave home and the neighbours buy a Kalishnikov.
It will produce what you think is music at the drop of a hoodie, to let you be twice as annoying as before. Oh – and it also comes in pink, but who wants it in a girlie colour like that? No thanks!
We’d tell you more but you wouldn’t understand it. And anyway, you’re drooling already, right? You’ve gotta have it. So start nagging your parents NOW, and keep on until they give in, just to shut you up. It’s only £119.00 for God’s sake — worth every penny to set the next pop sensation on the road to fame.
If you can actually read , you can find out more here, or if you can’t, watch the video here.
Wish your parents Happy Christmas from us.