Your editor, though brave and dashing, has a secret achilles heel. He is not the strongest of swimmers, having learned to swim at the advanced age of fifty-two, overcoming a lifetime fear of the water. Neither parent (Mr and Mrs Lenko) were swimmers. I wish they had given me the lessons that this mother gives to her off-spring.
May 29, 2010
May 10, 2010
Boulton v Campbell
For just a moment this evening, it looked as if Adam Boulton was about to land one on the always un-necessarily aggressive figure of Alistair “I’ve only had a couple. ” Campbell. Your editor was just about to ring Ladbrooks when the camera cut away from the pair, who were becoming increasingly belligerent.
The official government porn-writer and unofficial Minister for Alcohol was being interviewed by the portly Boulton, who seemed faintly scandalised at the latest attempt by Gordon Whatever-his-name-is to stay on as leader. Campbell — an acknowledged expert on constitutional law — was offering an explanation so far-fetched as to be only applicable in Narnia.
Sadly, no footage of the encounter as yet, but we’ll put it in an update if it becomes available. UPDATE! See the encounter here. The argument really starts at about 3.30.
April 6, 2010
Read it in the Daily Mail
A paeon of praise (?) from a singing duo (?) called Dan & Dan to that frightener of old ladies and children, the Daily Mail. May the Mail continue forever till the end of the week.
March 15, 2010
We Saw It From the Back Row
Way back… when cinema was cinema and worth watching… you’d cuddle your girl in the back row… and though your attention was partly on her… somehow you got to see all these films. And years later, you remember them… all of them, every one… but you can’t remember the girl.
March 13, 2010
Stop! You Might Hurt Yourself
This year’s Cooper’s Hill Cheese Rolling race has been cancelled by Health and Safety Police . Once again, the folk who know better than the rest of us have inserted their long, pointy snouts into something which has been held for 200 years or more, and declared “Stop! In the Name of the Law!”
Last year apparently, it proved too popular, and we can’t have that, can we? We can’t have people going round enjoying themselves. Fifteen thousand came on the day to watch most young, athletic, mostly suicidal people hurl themselves down a 2 in 1 grassy hill in pursuit of a cheese.
Inspector Knacker and other “authorities” decided there was too much work clearing up all the broken legs, detached heads, corpses, etc. So it’s off. Kaput. No admittance.
This is what you missed, from last year.
March 12, 2010
Skip the Trailers
Another Daily Moaner service to our readers/viewers/whatever… how to skip past all those annoying bits and pieces that come before the main feature on your DVD. No — don’t bother to thank us. Your pleasure… is our purpose!
God, that sounds creepy.
Brown is a Compulsive Liar
“BROWN IS A COMPULSIVE LIAR” Or so says Kelvin MacKenzie, a man for whom the Daily Moaner usually has little time. But on Question Time last night, he couldn’t have been more direct, following up with “BROWN HAS NO TRUTH IN HIS SOUL. HE IS A LIAR.”
MacKenzie himself is not the sort of bloke whose word you might put implicit trust in, having once taken the Murdoch shilling and run the Sun, that bastion of truth and probity. However, on this occasion he did possess the ring of truth. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Gordon has been caught much too often recently, telling one porky after another with a straight face. The fact-checking and revelation of the lies rarely receive as much TV time as Gordon does, so he tends to get away with it. But it’s getting harder all the time, as Channel 4 swung into action to show us:
March 9, 2010
Strictly Come Dancing Winners
Unbelievable — she’d only given him one lesson lasting five minutes. But that’s what can be achieved with a really good teacher. Of course it does help if you’re Fred Astaire and the teacher is Ginger Rogers…
March 8, 2010
March 7, 2010
Eat Dirt, Farage!
You might recall that Nigel Farage, leader of something called UKIP, recently shot off his mouth in the EU Parliament to the effect that Belgium was “a non-country”. And that’s a lot of mouth to shoot off, though it does work on automatic.
Now — courtesy of the Daily Moaner’s Spanish correspondent (a slightly unhinged lady called Janet something) — comes a refutation of that slander. This was shot in Antwerp railway station, which has changed just a bit since your editor was last there, and those people are real live Belgians. Non-country? We don’t think so. See this finger we’re holding up, Farage? Sit on it and swivel .
You will either love this and laugh (and maybe cry too), or you will sniff disdainfully, in which case you are probably a member of UKIP.