Science « The Daily Moaner

March 14, 2010

National Pi Day!

Filed under: America,Maths,Science — Tags: Maths, Science — lenko @ 12:22 am

No, that’s not a typo… Sunday 14th of March is National Pi Day, the nation in question being America, who have commandeered pi as their own. Many of them believe they invented it. Obviously, with pi being a constant value of 3.14, its day of celebration could be no other date than the fourteenth of the third. (Many of us wanted it to be the third of the fourteenth, but we were shouted down.)

On and On and On...

All over the States today there will be flags and bunting, dancing in the street, fireworks and drinking toasts to pi. Particularly the drinking, where every citizen will drink precisely 3.14 glasses of booze.

Pi is one of the few things in this Universe which can be relied upon. Measure the circumference and the diameter of a circle (round the edge and through the middle) and the ratio of one to the other will always be — you guessed it — yes, pi! No matter if its a teeny, tiny circle or a real whopper, the result is always the same.

Zoooooom across the vastness of space to — say — Antares, Betelgeuse or Orion (all on your sat-nav ) and measure the local circles: Same result. (Disclaimer: Of course, no-one has actually done this, you understand, but the guys in white coats claim to know.)

Though there are a few more decimal places to pi. Last time we looked, several million, and still no ending found to the sequence. It goes on and on and on and on for ever, just like your last girl-friend. It hides mysteries and patterns, and contains every number that ever was and several more that weren’t. Your birthday is in there somewhere, and mine too. And Hitler’s Army number. It contains everybody’s DNA coding… and the number the US President has to key in, in order to nuke Basingstoke. Weird…

So, there we have it — pi. Infinitely wonderful and attractive. But also infinitely dark and deep and scary… Yes, exactly like your last girl-friend.

PS: If you miss this date to go out and celebrate in the streets, you get a second chance. Pi Approximation Day is July 22nd. (Pi = 22/7 roughly).

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February 19, 2010

Can You Smell Burning?

Filed under: British Politics,Science — Tags: Politics, Science — lenko @ 9:19 pm

So it now seems that global warming may not be on the cards after all. Something amiss with the figures, the Daily Moaner learns. A decimal point in the wrong place, perhaps. Maybe on purpose, maybe not. And an easy enough mistake to make, as the Tories demonstrated only this week.

Rival gangs of scientists are still fighting it out, each accusing the other of cherry-picking the data, or mis-representing it, their skri-itchy voices becoming increasingly strident and high-pitched, until only the dogs and bats can hear them.

Ordinary people (that’s you, obviously, not us ) have long since given up trying to follow the arguments, and have gone back to bingo, adultery, and other fun past-times.

The important thing seems to be that the planet will not suddenly burst into flames at any minute; the Seven Seas will not boil. Your face will not melt.

Likewise, a new Ice Age is not upon us either. There will be no ice-bergs sighted on the Thames. We will not be able to walk across the ice from Dover to Calais to get our duty-frees.

The battle has raged intensely now for God-knows-how-long. It has devoured whole rain-forests of newsprint. It has sucked up an eternity of TV prime time. All to arrive at where we are today. Nowhere.

So could we stop talking about it now?

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February 17, 2010

Darwin Was Right

Filed under: British Politics,Food and Drink,Science — Tags: Food and Drink, Politics, Science — lenko @ 5:57 pm

Two sets of figures collide today in a startling vindication of Darwin’s theories.

Does My Bum Look Big in This?

Ten years from now (in 2020 for those who failed maths) 81% of us guys will be waddling buckets of lard, wedged permanently into our chairs by the arse. A further 68% of women will be asking “Does my bum look big in this ?” when modelling sofas.

At the same time, unemployment is rising in our tiny island. Add together those actually out of work (2.6 million ) and those working less hours than they want (2.8 million ), and you get – let’s not always see the same hands go up. Yes, you get 5.4 million and rising.

Now, follow the Daily Moaner’s logic closely. Overweight and obese people need an ever-growing supply of cream cakes, jelly etc etc, to maintain their vast wobbling behinds. The strain on Tesco’s will be enormous. Simultaneously, a smaller working population is supporting this growing mass of protoplasm, working longer and longer hours to pay off all Gordon’s stealth taxes. As time goes on, a larger proportion of the food supply will go to the obese and retired, leaving the workers too weak to continue.

At this point, these two sets of data having reached critical mass, an enormous social explosion will occur, and everyone will die from heart attacks brought on by diabetes, lack of ability to reproduce (too fat to fuck), or sheer overwork.

Natural selection in living colour. Darwin was right . This is how the dinosaurs died.

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February 4, 2010

Little Blue Pills

Filed under: Science,Sex — Tags: Sex — lenko @ 1:55 pm

Good news for gardeners! A team of Portuguese researchers have been… um — researching the effects of Viagra on the male sex organs of plants. The Daily Moaner didn’t even know that plants had sex organs, but apparently — while we’re not looking — the plants in the garden are at it all the time.

We were shocked — shocked! we tell you — to discover that the male’s huge throbbing stamen delivers sperm to the female’s pink panting pulsating pistil on a regular basis. Without even being introduced! They don’t even know their names!

Before

After

But sometimes — you know, maybe the boy plant is tired… or maybe he’s got financial problems and other worries… and it just doesn’t… you know… Do we have to spell it out for you? So he needs a little something that will — um — stiffen his resolve… make him try harder … He needs a little blue pill, okay? Preferably in water.

Want to know more? Just click here for the technical stuff.

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January 30, 2010

What’s That on Your Skin?

Filed under: Animals,Science,Videos — Tags: Animals, Science, Videos — lenko @ 10:05 pm

Remember we told you about these little creatures? The demodicids? Well, they weren’t the worst things that live on you… oh no. They were just on your eyelashes. These other beasties — they’re all over ! In bed with us! Urrrggghh! Will we ever be able to sleep again?

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January 17, 2010

Zelda Says…

Filed under: Motoring,Science,Videos — Tags: Motoring, Science, Videos — Zelda @ 2:51 pm

Having endured the last eight years — or possibly two weeks, or whatever it was — of snow and ice and then slush, and all the joys of motoring which went with it, it’s a shame that we never followed up the line of research shown here. Those queues of abandoned cars would never have existed, with vehicles like this on the road.

Didn’t they all speak awfully, awfully well back then? Did Jeremy Clarkson ever do a feature on this?

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January 15, 2010

Sighting Shot

Filed under: Science — Tags: Science — lenko @ 8:14 pm

Scientists all over the planet breathed a little easier after Wednesday’s near miss by a mystery asteroid/piece of junk/whatever. Of course, they had said that it would miss, and were pretty sure it would miss, but there’s nothing like seeing it streak across the night skies and disappear. Panic over… or is it?

Another asteroid called Apophis is due to come even closer in 2029, and may even swing around us and return closer still in 2036. But the chances of it actually hitting us is said to be only 1 in 45,000 if you believe this, or 1 in 100,000 if you go for this, or 1 in 250,000 if you listen to NASA’s Dr Paul Chodas, interviewed in this article. It’s so nice when scientists agree — makes you feel so much more confident, right?

The Russians are actively talking about shooting it down, or at least sideways. A spokesman for the Russian space agency said they had invited other civilised countries and also the United States to take part in a joint project.

A spokesman for God just said “Damn! Missed .“

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December 18, 2009

Dept of Really Really Scary Things

Filed under: Just Plain Silly,Science — Tags: Plain Silly, Science — lenko @ 5:45 pm

From our Science Correspondent at the Dog and Duck:

Catastrophic news from the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, following the accidental over-winding of the huge spring which drives the device. This set in motion a chain of Universe-shattering scary things.

Can we have another round over here, barmaid?

The project had intended to merely collide Large Hadrons, but many Teeny Tiny Hadrons have also been anihilated, creating a surfeit of Higgs bosoms bosons.

Nothing personal, darling.

Hadron Collider

This created a reverse clockwise anti-gravity field, which immediately sucked in all the material in the known Universe, plus a bit of an unknown Universe too. All this happened in a million billionth of a nano-second, and you do not need to reset your watches.

The speed of light is now negative, making clocks run backwards, enabling you to see things that are not going to happen until yesterday. However, everything is likely to be turned upside-down and inside-out.

Have you ever been turned upside-out and inside-down, my dear? Hmm? Where was I? Oh yes…

Scientists had been worried that the Collider would create a black hole which would engulf the Earth. But the accident has revealed that the hole is, in fact, merely a beige hole, and therefore does not count.

The human race has been obliterated, which may be a Good Thing, given the way things are going. You are now just a whisper of an echo of a shadow of a thought in the mind of a God who you invented, and who wouldn’t have given you the time of day if he did exist. But then, you always were.

Another brandy, my dear, and have one for yourself.

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November 25, 2009

Life in the Cells

Filed under: Science — Tags: Science — lenko @ 9:20 am

You know, m’dear, you have the most incredible body! No really . Would we lie to you? We think you’re so-o-o… complex. You really don’t know the half of it. Look at what has to happen before you can stop bleeding.

And if you want the rest of the story…

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November 13, 2009

Dept of Paranoia

Filed under: Animals,Science — Tags: Animals, Science — lenko @ 9:44 pm

Demodicid

Don’t look now — they may be watching. But – you see these things? These are demodicids. You know where they live? The planet Zorg, maybe? In a galaxy far, far away?

No! They live in your eyelashes. Don’t roll your eyes at me like that. They live in your eyelashes, all burrowed down in your hair follicles. And they eat your skin. They eat your skin! With their needle-sharp teeth. Okay, so it’s dead skin, and you weren’t using it any more. But it’s yours . And they have claws… claws !

Skin munching

It gets worse. You know what they do when they’ve finished eating your skin? While you’re sleeping at night? Mating , that’s what! These little monsters are getting all eight legs over, humping away in an orgy of wild, abandoned sex. No wonder you have all those dreams. Then creeping back to the follicles and laying eggs. Eggs ! You have eggs growing… hatching on you. Maybe teenage demodicids too, skateboarding on your eyelids.

We would tell you to run, run and hide, but… it’s too late now. We’re doomed. All of us. Doomed.

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