The Daily Moaner, always willing to frighten its readers, is the first to carry the news of a fresh wave of zombies on the streets of London. Large numbers of the newly undead have been spotted all over the country, but yesterday’s mass outbreak in the capital is the most alarming sign yet.
Leader of the Undead
We should all be on our guard against the malign influence of the leaders of the undead , some of whom will continue to infest our institutions, until we can get Rentokil round. In particular, the Mandelzombie, who can be recognised by its gorgeous red robes and its tone of sweet reasonableness, which is when it is at its most dangerous. All citizens are cautioned to carry a mallet and a stake at all times, and if approached, to strike the creature through its black heart. On no account should one listen to its siren song. This — thing — has already been cast into the outer darkness twice, and surely will not survive a third banishment.
Can Turn When Crossed
Be on the lookout also for the dreaded Harmanzombie, outwardly an average nice-looking woman, but this denizen of the deep can turn in a flash, bearing its fangs of equality at you. Be warned — it will take away all your civil liberties if given the chance. It will stop you smoking, drinking, fornicating, etc, under the pretence that this is “only for your own good .” Do not let this creature into your house. If approached, flash your pocket mirror at it, and it will stand there for hours, fiddling with its hair and touching up its make-up.
Tease it from a Safe Distance
This pictured member of the Underworld is Edward Testicles, pop-eyed demon from the sixth circle of Hell. It can be rather fun to tease this creature, though from a safe distance. Should you encounter it, address it boldly by its name, in the manner of calling your dog, saying “Testicles? Testicles! Good boy, Testicles .” At this point it will leap up and down, chattering with rage and gibbering disconnected phrases, and its eyeballs will pop in and out. Endless enjoyment for the kids…
Undead Thing Holds up Dead Thing
Not so this next specimen – the Whelan. In its earthly form, it is political director of the Untied Union and chief liar spin doctor to the late, and extremely unlamented Godron Brown. The Whelan is noted for its ability to grin endearingly whilst biting your head off. He it was that Shakespeare had in mind when he said one “may smile, and smile, and be a villain “.
The Whelan has little brain, and even less scruples, but much animal cunning. It also possesses little courage to stand on the front line, making it hard to destroy, owing to its strategy of hiding behind other demons.
If attacked by this creature, hit it with a brick and then run .
