Christmas « The Daily Moaner

March 24, 2010

Light Up For Liberty

Filed under: Christmas — Tags: Politics — lenko @ 11:19 am

Smokers Only

Huge headlines this morning about “Leading Doctors” and their sudden and urgent call for smoking to be BANNED BANNED BANNED in cars. This is prior to next week’s call for it to be banned in private homes, and all places within the three-mile limit. A plea to impose the death penalty on smokers is also being considered.

These people KNOW about these things, because they are LEADING doctors, and they know better than you dirty, grubby people with your filthy habits and nicotine-stained fingers who are deliberately infecting tiny little children with unimaginable diseases, so hideous that they cannot be imagined.

So STOP IT! All right? Just stop — it — now. Before these leading doctors get cross, and fetch Auntie Harriet, and then she’ll make you do it. Yes, and she’ll be cross too, and you wouldn’t like her when she’s cross.

The Daily Moaner says — fight back against the never-ending tide of people seeking to do you good! Light Up for Liberty! Today!

Please note that, in the interest of public mental health, readers are reminded that smoking is COMPULSORY while reading this blog. For those wishing to read whilst not smoking, please go out in the rain and the wind and the cold.

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January 7, 2010

Post a Cat Today

Filed under: Animals,Christmas,Videos — Tags: Animals, Videos — lenko @ 2:43 pm

Yes we know the Daily Moaner said here that the net was full to over-flowing with bloody cats, and that the world could maybe lose… we don’t know… a million or so of them and not notice… but this one is funny. And instructive. And funny. And late for Christmas but there’s always next year. And did we mention it was funny ?

So please — wrap next door’s cat up in pretty paper, stick the correct postage on it, and post it… let’s say… to Thailand. They eat cats there, right?

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December 26, 2009

Thank God it’s Over!

Filed under: Christmas — Tags: Plain Silly — lenko @ 12:45 pm

Hooray hooray! Another Christmas over, with everyone clutching their swollen bellies, nursing their hang-overs, and wondering how they’re going to pay for it all. Especially Gordo.

But here in the Daily Moaner 47-storey office tower, Grizelda and your editor slaved on, stopping only to gorge ourselves on salmon sandwiches. Delicious! For the 24-hour rolling news never stops, as news agencies worldwide call their stories in to Head Office.

Striking Reindeer

And it is with heavy hearts and even heavier stomachs that we bring mournful tidings. Barely a week ago, a Reindeer Strike was narrowly averted when Santa Holdings Inc. gave in and promised the reindeer a 4.3% increase, their first increase in over a hundred years..

Yesterday, as the rest of the world unwrapped their prezzies, Santa and his reindeer suffered a tragic accident. Somehow the team inadvertently wandered into international airspace, and were sucked into the air-intake of a Boeing 747 as it passed over the Pole. They were on the final leg of their journey home.

Luckily Santa himself was able to fling himself clear, and parachute to earth, together with lovely assistant-Santa Fifi Labelle and the Christmas payroll. Sadly, the team lead by Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen were not so lucky.

Reindeer Pate

The Daily Moaner knows it speaks for all of us when we say that they will be sadly missed. We shall not see their like again.

Unless of course, you sample this, available here ! Makes a great change from salmon all the time.

Happy New Year!

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November 14, 2009

Yiddish, Shmiddish…

Filed under: Christmas,Languages,Videos — Tags: How to..., Languages, Videos — lenko @ 12:05 pm

You are coming to pay your grand-parents a call in the Big Apple? Oy vey ! Rachel, come quick, a miracle is happening. Oh… also your new wife. The shiksa . We should be so lucky. But listen — would it hurt for her to learn the language before she comes? No, not English! And not Yiddish.

That’s right… Yinglish. You knew all the time, you little mensch .

She can learn the basics from this little book. Send it to you? All of a sudden, we are a charity? Oy, such chutzpah . Just schlep down to the bookstore and ask. Or get it from here.

Better yet, watch the video…

Oh… and when you come — don’t forget the you-know-what . You know perfectly well — don’t be a schmuck. The B-A-C-O… that’s right. But not a word to Bubbe .

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November 13, 2009

Dept of Bad Taste

Filed under: Christmas,Sex,Women — Tags: Women — lenko @ 7:24 pm

C-String

Now look — we don’t actually want to post this item, okay? It’s tacky, it’s tasteless, it’s completely impractical and offensive, it’s…. wow! Will you look at that!

This is the C-string, the latest line in girlie-stuff, that surely can’t be interesting at all to you blokes. Go and find something sports-related, guys. Or take a cold shower.

For those who find this sort of stuff interesting… fashion historians maybe… this is a range of shall we say “swim-wear ?” from cstringdirect.com. Believe it or not, it comes in two sizes, Small and Medium. Oh — and you can buy it as a set, or in bits. Prices start round about $34.00.

Back View

For our British readers, this is obviously a health hazard, bearing in mind our climate, and in your editor’s opinion, should be worn only underneath a thermal vest, and possibly with a doctor’s prescription.

Grizelda took one look, sniffed, said she had a migraine, and went to lie down in a dark room with a box of tissues. Strangely, Jason, our post-boy, did the same.

There are lots more of these disgraceful displays of female near-nudity at the web-site above, though we cannot imagine that any of our readers would wish to follow the link.

And don’t ask what the “C” stands for.

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November 7, 2009

Now YOU Can Be Even More Annoying

Filed under: Christmas,Teenagers — Tags: Teenagers — lenko @ 7:09 pm

Are you a teenage male who mistakenly believes he has musical talent, and irritates the hell out of everyone around him? Do you drum at dinner with your knives and forks? Are you a wizz on air guitar? Then this is for you…

Korg Kaossilator

Isn’t it lovely? The new Korg Kaossilator is a portable, battery-driven thingey which comes with 100 music programmes, 31 scale patterns and an unbelievable 50 gate arpeggiators, whatever they are. It’s got a loop facility that will let you play the same five-second sound pattern over and over and over until your parents leave home and the neighbours buy a Kalishnikov.

It will produce what you think is music at the drop of a hoodie, to let you be twice as annoying as before. Oh – and it also comes in pink, but who wants it in a girlie colour like that? No thanks!

We’d tell you more but you wouldn’t understand it. And anyway, you’re drooling already, right? You’ve gotta have it. So start nagging your parents NOW, and keep on until they give in, just to shut you up. It’s only £119.00 for God’s sake — worth every penny to set the next pop sensation on the road to fame.

If you can actually read , you can find out more here, or if you can’t, watch the video here.

Wish your parents Happy Christmas from us.

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See You at Christmas!

Filed under: Christmas — lenko @ 12:55 pm

A Jaundiced Eye

The Daily Moaner has often been accused of looking at everything with a jaundiced eye. Your editor pleads guilty but enraged. But now you — yes you ! — can view everything in the same pleasing shade of yellow. Quite fetching, isn’t it? And definately convincing for a few days off work.

Selene Lens

For now a company in America (of course) has a great range of special effects contact lenses, mainly for Hollywood, but hey — why not you? And it’s not just jaundice… you can choose all kinds of eye trauma… or how about vampire eyes, or goats eyes?

Darth Maul lens

Personally, your editor goes for the Darth Maul lenses, cheap at only $100 per lens. Think of the entrance you could make at a party.

And surely, there has to be a woman somewhere who’d go for a guy like that?

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November 3, 2009

La Pisse de Grenouille

Filed under: Christmas — Tags: Food and Drink — lenko @ 8:38 pm

Your long-suffering editor is not a drinker, having always preferred la grope to la grappe. Maybe the odd glass of Remy Martin, but little else. And he is especially pissed off with all the pretentious twattishness about la vin.

Every Christmas he receives at least three bottles of plonk, which he keeps for visitors or gives away to vagrants in the street. This Christmas he is striking back with a bold little botteille, from a long-established vinyard which decided to leave their name off the label.

Frog's Piss Label

This fine French wine is called “Frog’s Piss“, which you connoisseurs out there will find to be lively yet disturbingly profound; with a curtain which should remain drawn; and a body which CSI needs to autopsy. It possesses a certain je-ne-sais-quoi — an after-taste of… metal polish? Essence of uric acid? Who can say?

For all those who gave the Daily Moaner wine it could not drink — Happy Christmas! And bon sante!

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November 2, 2009

Make Your Man Pregnant For Christmas

Filed under: Christmas — Tags: Women — lenko @ 7:51 pm

In its ceaseless bid to increase understanding between the sexes, the Daily Moaner brings you… ta-da !… the Empathy Belly Pregnancy Simulator. We kid you not.

Empathy Belly

“The Empathy Belly”® Pregnancy Simulator lets you know what it feels like to be pregnant! It is a multi-component, weighted “garment” that will — through medically accurate simulation — enable men, women, teenage girls and boys to experience over 20 symptoms and effects of pregnancy.

You guys will be able to experience the joys of suddenly putting on 30 pounds in weight… feel the “baby” kick… increased bladder pressure and urination… holding the small of your back as you waddle along… fatigue… irritability, and all those little things that make pregnant women so endearing. It was $895, but you can get it here for only $599.

Bet you can hardly wait.

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October 26, 2009

Everybody Panic!

Filed under: Christmas,Science — Tags: Science — lenko @ 7:42 pm

Are YOU a cheating love-rat? Most of the human race does tend to be. Then imagine this…

Texting Can Be Dangerous!

You’re at work, let’s say… or maybe on the street. And your mobile beeps. It’s one of your three mistresses, texting you after her husband has left for the office. The two of you text back and forth… set up a date in that cosy little place just outside of town, where nobody knows you.

What do you do next? Quickly now, we haven’t got all — r-i-ight, you delete the texts. Both of you. Now you’re safe. Your wife can’t browse through all your messages. Her husband can’t get at hers.

Except now they can. Now this rat-fink Kim Khor has invented a forensic device which retrieves old long-forgotten texts from the SIM card. Doesn’t seem to matter how old they are, or whether the texts are deleted or not. Kim’s gadget can read them. And in many cases, can read really personal stuff. We mean… really personal.

Kim is an Australian, which seems a hard thing to say about anyone. He’s really into being nosy in a big way. And his company is working on other electronic gizmos which will allow your boss to track you through your mobile. There will be… no escape.

Want one to check on your own spouse? It’s yours — for $25,000. Well worth it.

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