The Daily Moaner

LabourList  (we read it for the totty) has filed a story so disgusting that we can hardly bring ourselves to tell you.  Although, of course, we will.

Ed Strips Off

It seems that, in the prevailing spirit of do-anything- to-get-on-TV, a certain Edward Balls has agreed to appear on a BBC show called “How to Look Good Naked”.  No, straight up, we swear it’s true.  You can read about it here.

Finished bringing it all up now? Just keep your head between your knees and breath deeply.  Yes, it is  an offensive image. And yes it will  take time to fade.

The Balls campaign believes this is a leadership-election winner, though putting Yvette up might be a better idea.  But don’t worry — there is no actual nakidity nakidtude nakedness involved, as the programme promises naked people in its title, but doesn’t deliver.  So — perfect for New Labour, then.  No change there.

Host Gok Wan, who has become famous by having an unusual name plus a really stupid hair-do, will be asking him questions about his choice of clothes. Ed will be blinking a lot and doging the questions.  No change there, either.

Con-Lib plans for Eric Pickles to appear on the show have been shelved for the moment.

Mandelson

You will already be aware that slime moulds have a function in the scheme of things. Wikipedia (which is never wrong) says that they feed on micro-organisms who live within dead wood.  (I think we have a picture somewhere to show you). 

These micro-thingies eat the wood, and when they are finished, the slime moulds come along and gorge themselves on the micro-wotsits, who are too fat to run away.  (Stop us if we’re being too technical.) 

Probably something eats the slime mould, too, but our research department fell asleep. 

The point being, even the lowly slime mould has some sort of important function in clearing up the debris.

Slime Mould

So it is with Peter (we refuse to say Lord) Mandelson.  It is hard to imagine any pair of human beings giving birth to this grey-faced lying bastard ex-spin-doctor, ex Cabinet Minister, ex-Brussels bureaucrat, ex-this-that-and-the-other.  No, he is definitely more aligned to the slime mould.  But does he have any sort of real function?  The Daily Moaner argues that he does.

The micro-organisms in this analogy are the usual suspects — Brown, Blair, Campbell, Whelan, the Miliband gang, Balls, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. They have been feeding on the dead wood of the old Labour Party for thirteen years. Most of them have gorged their taste for money until they, too,  are too fat to run, Blair in particular being weighed down by his bags of gold.

And now Mandelson — in his book The Third Slime-Mould  — is gorging his  taste for treachery on them. He tells us astounding things — things we would never have believed if they had not issued from such fastidious and lizard-like lips. Blair was an ineffective and money mad leader, Brown was a grumpy tyrant, everyone else was a tosspot, and Mandy, wonderful Mandy,  was the ring-master keeping the circus going.

That’s it. The whole plot, in one paragraph. No of course  we haven’t read it.  But you can smell shit from quite a distance… and we advise you to follow our lead.  Or wait a week until it’s remaindered at a penny a throw — cheap fuel for the Aga.

One worrying thing though… we had  thought we were safe from Mandelson reproducing, one of his other tastes being for younger men.  But Wikipedia (I think we mentioned it was never  wrong) claims that slime moulds reproduce by producing spores.

Minds of the nation… start boggling NOW.

No sooner had the Daily Moaner posted this entry here, commenting on the growing habit of throwing things at politicians, than Scotland Yard, no less, has given the habit its blessing.  But only for Muslims, and then only for shoes.  But it’s a start.

According to the Times here, reporting on a series of trials of Muslim protestors, Fuzz Central have made a concession, as chucking slippers is simply a ritual form of protest, and therefore not a criminal act of violence.  The court has agreed that shoe-throwing “should not be considered… as violent disorder… because it was a symbolic political gesture.”

We are glad to note this legal precedent being set, and are happy to reprint our very favourite picture of  “Lord” Peter Mandelson, here seen with a protestor indulging in a traditional symbolic political gesture.  Nice to know that should this re-occur, the thrower of green custard will be let off.

Spring is here, spring is here!  And with the advent of an election, a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of — throwing things?

That does  seem to be the fashion of recent years.  Which of us can forget that historic moment when Muntader Al-Zaidi  shied his Size 10′s at Georgie W?  Though he missed with both, you have to give him top marks for effort.

And there was that wonderful moment when the Universe just seemed to work right, as green activist Leila Deen  covered Peter Mandelson in green custard.  Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy.  Though despite the symbolism, yellow would have been more his colour.

The famous Prescott  punch-up began when a protestor chucked an egg, and received a left-of-centre clout to the jaw.

In the Shit Again

And another moment of supreme joy to all right-thinking citizens occurred when a white convert to Islam emptied a bucket of slurry shit over Robert Kilroy-Silk .  As a bonus, MP Ruth “Do what Nanny tells you” Kelly  was also splattered.  Happy days… happy days.

But this is mild stuff compared to the old days.  We no longer remove the heads of surplus Monarchs. We no longer assassinate uppity politicians who get above themselves.  We don’t even exile them to a desert island any more, but to the Lords.

Throwing footwear and harmless substances seems quite a suitable symbol of protest and contempt for our “public servants”.  The Daily Moaner believes that gravy could be usefully employed in this capacity. Easy to come by… suitably humiliating… can be either hot or cold, runny or thick.   Just add water… Mmmmm… Bisto!

There are those who believe we should show politicians more respect.  This is wrong thinking, and should be stamped out before it gets a hold.  They have thrust themselves forward with promises they rarely fulfil, and are due not a tittle of respect until they have earned it.

But this is not likely to happen.  And there are bye-laws against beheading, assassinating, etc.  So concerned citizens should stand by with buckets of gravy at the ready.

‘Cos you don’t always have a bucket of shit when you most need one.

Your editor missed the Despatches programme last night, and wasn’t clever enough to set the timer-recording-thingy.  So he is getting news of it at third hand.

But it seems that the wanker Hoon told the nice lady that his skills (we never realised he had any!) would be of interest to USA-based companies who were looking to gobble up European defence companies who might be in trouble.  So far, none of the TV people have latched onto this.  But here at the Daily Moaner’s  palatial suite of offices, we were aghast, astounded, astonished and several other things beginning with “a “.

So Perish All Traitors

Your editor, though handsome, dashing and brave, is no lawyer, having been brought up nicely.  But isn’t this kind of thing called…um… what was the word?… oh yes — TREASON.

Follow us through this chain of logic.  We  are called Britain.  Britain  is part of Europe.  We have defence industries .  They are therefore European defence industries .  Mr Hoon is a Briton who is willing — for mere money — to conspire with a foreign power to take over those defence industries. Ergo… Hoon is a traitor. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

Isn’t the death penalty for treachery still on the law-books?

Can’t wait…

Yesterday, we may have mistakenly given the impression that certain noble Ministers were on the take.  We may have made crude and tasteless jokes about their fingers being swollen after being caught in the till.  We may even have wrongly ridiculed them as the Vicar of Sin  and the Curate of something-beginning-with-”C “. 

We now realise that the Ministers concerned have been thoroughly investigated for at least ten minutes, and have sworn blind that it wasn’t them guv.  Obviously, therefore, these individuals must be completely innocent of all charges, being whiter than white, so ‘elp me Gawd.  No Minister would ever lie, except the three ex-Ministers who now say they were lying, and that’s the truth.  We are delighted to take their word for it, just as Harriet Hormone has done.

We would like to extend our humble and indeed subservient apologies to this pair of lying, scheming, slippery bastards parasites of virtue, and abase ourselves before them, and assure them that the Daily Moaner will never repeat this error again.

Could you release our wives and children now, please?

Your normally placid and long-suffering editor is shaking with fury. Coming back from the shops in the car, (where he purchased a whole week’s worth of delicious vegetables.  Yummy! ) he made the mistake of listening to an interview on Radio 4 with one Bob Wigsworth, our hapless Defence Minister.

Bob Ainsworth, Seen here with his Wig

Last October, we were content to merely mock him as a perineum, being something between a front and a back bottom.  Read it by clicking here.  Now he has progressed the whole way, though in which direction, we’re not sure.

The interview was ten minutes of mind-shattering  BOLLOCKS, even from a Minister of the Government which has specialised in bollocks over many years.  Every question was evaded by the usual trick of answering another question, or just downright lying.

When pinned down by the interviewer commenting that one of the Generals — can’t remember which one — disagreed with Gordo’s bare-faced lie to Chilcot that the troops had had all the equipment they had asked for, she asked if  Mr Wigsworth was saying that the General was wrong.  The idiot replied “If I have to.”

Many of  the Minister’s answers were prefaced with the word “Look — “  The Daily Moaner has added this to its list of Political Laws, to be published soon.  It is the desperate noise made by politicians caught flat-footed and with their wigs askew, searching for some more  bollocks.

“Oh My God,” he was thinking. “I’ve run out of bollocks.  What am I going to do ?  What am I going to say ?”    Then — suddenly –  inspiration.   He leans forward and fixes the interviewer with a steady gaze.  Honest Bob Wigsworth rides again.  

“Look  – “

How much longer do we have to put up with these incompetent idiots, most of whom have never done a decent day’s work in their lives?  The Daily Moaner is not the kind of publication that would ever, ever say “Fuck off and die!”

But we hope that Mr Wigsworth will go away into a corner somewhere and quietly expire.