The Daily Moaner

The Americans, although peasants, have an amusing little ditty for this special day of the year, May the first, when Spring is on the boil, and a young man’s fancy lightly turned to thoughts of love weeks ago.

Not Shakespeare admittedly, but it does convey the joy of this particular emotion.  Says it all, don’t you think?

But wait!  Is it legal?  Has it been banned?  After all, the Labour lot have banned everything else.  The answer to these two questions, like so much in life, is yes and no.

As far as the Daily Moaner’s incredibly detailed researches go, the actual sex  is not illegal.  What will  cause Harriet Harman’s lips to tighten is whether it is offensive .  Because being offensive is really offensive !  And they can do you for it.

Who decides whether your public exhibition of the beast with two backs is offensive?  Well, usually it is a nosey public-spirited old bag neighbour, who has stood on a chair mounted on a wobbly garden table, in order to get a better view of the two of you splashing about naked in the pond.  She will ring the police (after ten minutes or so) and they  will decide you are being offensive.  But only after capturing it on video for their Christmas party.

Very often, policemen have been known to travel for miles, crawling through bramble patches and pools of liquid mud, in order to be offended by people having sex.  Be aware, too, of police helicopters with heat-seeking  equipment, which can hover for hours while filming your  heat-seeking equipment.  Remember, policemen are chosen for their special sensitivity, and will be shocked! — shocked we tell you — at your offensive acts.

Though it may be stating the bleeding obvious, the sex must be outdoors to qualify as outdoor sex.  That is to say, it must be in the open air , and not inside a car, truck or other mode of transport, whether in motion or not. (An exception to this is the ski-lift ).

The Mile-High Club does not count, as it is in an enclosed space, and anyway nobody believes your story of you and the three air-hostesses. However, banging away strapped to the wing-struts of a bi-plane does  count as outdoor sex, as it is not inside the aircraft.  Please note though, it is not sensible to do this with the pilot.

So — no matter how unusual your choice of venue, if it is an enclosed space, it does not count.  Thus Linda and Justin, though sucessful in their quest to “do it ” at Westminster, in the Speaker’s chair, do not qualify.

Please note also that having sex outdoors on your own is considered not to be within the spirit of the rules, and definitely not the conduct of an officer and a gentleman.

When venturing out with these thoughts in mind, careful consideration should be given to the choice of surface .  Usually the preferred surface is natural grass, though next door’s lawn is not ideal.  It should also be private, and not under the watchful gaze of the local bus queue, or the Centre Court crowd during Wimbledon fortnight.

Sand Can Reappear Weeks Later

Astroturf should be avoided, as should any surface before unzipping into action which might give one’s anatomy a “carpet burn”.  Sand looks romantic but will still be reappearing weeks later.  Gravel is a definite no-no.

Adventurous spots can present dangers. On the very rim of Iceland’s still-smoking volcano is brave but foolhardy, even though the earth may move for you.  Making love while bungee-jumping can be exhilarating, but once again, think of the strapping which can burn your tender skin as badly as the tufted Wilton.

Bear this thought in mind, too, if having sex while parachuting from ten-thousand feet, and think also about which way both of you are going to run as you hit the deck.

You should also bear in mind the possibility of spectators.  If these are not desired, it may be necessary to slog into deepest Dartmoor, or climb a mountain. If, on the other hand, you are looking to deliberately entertain an audience (which is definitely illegal) you are probably a pervert.  And if you were planning to sell tickets, you are probably a rich  pervert.

On a sliding scale of one to ten, going at it hammer and tongs butt naked to entertain the queue outside the Albert Hall is definitely a ten.  Sadly, it is also definitely three years in the slammer.

Splashing away in the water at Trafalgar Square is a seven, but has been done before.  Though if it is with a police-woman, it becomes a ten.

For those who fancy making it into the record books, having sex whilst on a tightrope stretched across the Grand Canyon doesn’t seem to have been done.  Though an unsucessful attempt will make it into the Darwin Awards.

Disclaimers: Any advice given relates to the UK only. Rules in other countries may vary and you may be looking at thirty years in a rat-infested hell-hole.  The Daily Moaner, its employees, friends and relations are not responsible for anything at all.