Just the other day, we incurred the (rather overdone) wrath of several American readers by pointing out what utter wussies their nation has become. You can read it below, or read it here.
The Daily Moaner stands by its opinion, and for proof — well, watch for yourselves and judge. This guy is the ultimate wuss. No question.
Fourteen to twenty-two inches of snow and he freaks out? Where we come from, we have a word for that. FROST.
Hey Everyone -- Watch This!
Remember the advice the Daily Moaner gave to all you Evil Overlords out there? Of course you do! It was only a week ago. Click here to brush up your skills.
Now any Evil Overlord worth his or her salt will need a plan to destroy the Earth. Why? Because , that’s why! It’s what Evil Overlords do . Shut up and listen.
Some Very Clever People at qntm.org have been bending their brains to provide you with suggestions. Because it’s not a pushover, as Dubya found out. As they say on their web-site:
Destroying the Earth is harder than you may have been led to believe.
You’ve seen the action movies where the bad guy threatens to destroy the Earth. You’ve heard people on the news claiming that the next nuclear war or cutting down rainforests or persisting in releasing hideous quantities of pollution into the atmosphere threatens to end the world.
Fools. The Earth is built to last.
You can find detailed instructions for Earth-destroying here. Some of these methods are expensive — it won’t be easy sourcing millions of tons of anti-matter, or a universal fission machine (try Maplins), but Evil Overlords can solve this kind of problem in their sleep. You’ll be destroying the earth in no time.
Let us know when you’re ready. We’ll send a photographer.
No, this isn’t me pictured below, but an unknown competitor in last Sunday’s Tough Guy Challenge. This was the 24th time this annual event has been held at South Perton Farm, which is near Wolverhampton.
An incredible 5,000 lunatics literally signed up for this by attesting that if anything happened, it would be their ”own bloody fault for being here “. Roughly 4,500 finished the course, which involved battling through fire, mud, water, thick smoke, rope bridges — I’m sure you get the picture.
Thirty more pics of the lunatics from Boston.com here
Please note various Tough Guys trampled into the mud behind her.
The world is saved (temporarily) by tiny little snow-flakes, falling on Washington D.C. Forecasters are describing travel conditions as “hazardous and life-threatening”, so that many Congressmen and Senators may not be able to put in an appearance.
So for the moment at least, no further countries can be invaded helped on the road to democracy, and American politicans can stay safely at home on C Street cuddled up to their mistresses, hookers, gay buddies. (Please delete if not applicable.)
Modern Americans are such wussies! No frontier spirit left. Threaten them with a sprinkle of snow and they run around screaming of “Snowmageddon ” and “Snowpocalypse “. All the TV networks, of whom they have too many, will run the pics 24-7. Gosh wow, suppose it affects the Super Bowl game on Sunday? End of the World! (For our British readers — the game referred to is American football, a game for cissies that nobody else on the planet wants to play.)
Niagra Falls, Frozen Solid, 1911
Real Snow!
This is snow, for Chrissakes! On the left, Niagara Falls, in 1911, when the flow froze solid in snow and ice. Pictured are a few hardy Canadians, who crossed the Falls without complaining about the weather. And this is snow! On the right, someone who may just be a Wichita lineman thanks God for an easy day. But that was then and this is now…
It was no big deal.
This is painful to watch… In the red corner – Mr Jim Devine MP, currently accused by the fuzz of various naughties. In the blue corner, Mr Krishnan Guru-Murthy, a gentle inquisitor. The subject — invoices submitted to the expenses office.
We suspect that somewhere here, there may be a confusion between budgets and bank accounts. Bear in mind, that this man is one of our elected law-makers, God help us!
Watch and cringe…
God Almighty, as if we didn’t have enough to cope with, what with Al-Qaeda popping away at us. Now it appears that we’re paying for grand banquets at the House of Commons for the bloody freemasons.
Duke of Kent
The Daily Moaner knows little about this secret society, except that people who join secret societies are usually overgrown small boys, probably with extremely tiny penises. They delight in strange rites, and have a love of overblown titles, such as the Grand Vizier of the Indigo Catweazle Lodge. And what fun to have secret handshakes, and signs, which ordinary common people can’t share in?
Now we discovered that Cameron has hosted an event for the West Oxfordshire Lady Freemasons. The Daily Moaner would like to make it clear that these ladies do NOT have extremely tiny penises.
Not only that, but our Speaker, John Bercow, has hosted a Gray’s Inn Lodge Ladies Night. And Tony Baldry – once known at the Min of Ag as “Baldrick” — has hosted the Provincial Grand Lodge of Surrey.
Can we assume, do you think, that these three are themselves freemasons? Have Cameron et al rolled up their trouser-legs and sworn fealty to the masons? And if so, can we assume they could discharge their duties independently, without favour to these shadowy organisations? How many freemasons are there in the two Houses? Is there a register?
Don’t hold your breath — you’re not going to get an answer.
Stroke One Today
Sometimes a cute little cuddly kitten just isn’t enough. A person needs something stronger. Something more… unusual. Something completely different. Here at the Daily Moaner, we believe we’ve found the pet of our dreams.
Available from Amazon by clicking here, and only $30.88. Can we afford to be without one?
We think we’ll call it Cecil.
Good news for gardeners! A team of Portuguese researchers have been… um — researching the effects of Viagra on the male sex organs of plants. The Daily Moaner didn’t even know that plants had sex organs, but apparently — while we’re not looking — the plants in the garden are at it all the time.
We were shocked — shocked! we tell you — to discover that the male’s huge throbbing stamen delivers sperm to the female’s pink panting pulsating pistil on a regular basis. Without even being introduced! They don’t even know their names!
Before
After
But sometimes — you know, maybe the boy plant is tired… or maybe he’s got financial problems and other worries… and it just doesn’t… you know… Do we have to spell it out for you? So he needs a little something that will — um — stiffen his resolve… make him try harder … He needs a little blue pill, okay? Preferably in water.
Want to know more? Just click here for the technical stuff.
Oh the noises coming from Parliament this morning! Our elected representatives (read: pack of lying, crooked bastards ) are bellowing like trapped mastodons being sucked down into the primordial ooze. There are screams of rage and fury from the wounded beasts, and the whole House has a faint whiff of rotten eggs.
We’ve had Sir Stuart Bell swearing blind that the Legg report will “draw a line under the whole affair”, and that the scandal wouldn’t influence voters. Yeah… he wishes. And we’ve seen Ann Widdecombe complaining in that fingernails-on-blackboard voice about the report’s unfairness.
Honest Dave Cameron was door-stepped by the TV cameras, and proclaimed that from now on Parliament would be a better and cleaner place, full of knights in white satin and fairy princesses. Though it was noticeable that his blink-rate was abnormally high.
Now we have Paul Clark, who used to be a transport minister, being ordered to repay £11,407 because he couldn’t provide the paperwork. Anyone who has ever dealt with the Revenue knows that when you tell them the dog ate your certificate of interest, they tell you to get something called a copy from your bank or mortgage provider. And if you can’t – or won’t – they quite rightly assume that the paperwork never existed in the first place.
As the song says — it’s getting mighty hard to find an honest man.
Gordo the Great likes to keep himself clean — why else would he spend (and claim as expenses) more than £21,000 for cleaning costs over 5 years, when the maximum allowable claim was £10,000? And claim twice for the same £1,396 redecorating bill? Oh — and overclaim £302 for gardening allowance? It was just a simple oversight, honest.
Never mind, he’s paid it all back in the last year, after he was caught apprised of the oversight. So that’s all right, then.
Pig in Shit
But now he has another problem. Fatty Pickles, Tory chairman, is making irritating noises at PMQ’s about an alleged secret £50,000 fund — held by the Labour party — designed for Gordo’s own personal use, and funded by political donations. The PM brushed him off with a curt statement that he didn’t know nuffink about it, guv.
You don’t suppose that Gordo made his repayment from — no, he wouldn’t do that, would he? Would he ?
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